The First Tea Review!

The first victim - Good Hair-Look Herbal Tea, which was purchased on the strength of the mad scientist cartoon on the front. It claims to help promote healthy hair growth, but warns that 'This product is not intended to replace your practitioner. It is intended for general well being and does not involve the diagnosing, prognosticating, or proscribing of medicine for any disease.' Here are our thoughts:

This Week's Special Guest Tea-Guzzler: Dr. Capitalism, who is a giant nerd and kitten enthusiast, who has crossed at least one body of water to be here tonight.

Dr Capitalism: This tea was weak, man. Literally. It tasted like they had already made several cups of tea with the bag, then carefully repackaged it and sold it to us. I'm pretty sure that the untranslated Chinese on the side of the box indicates this. And says "Fuck you, balding White Devils." As soon as this tea was cool enough to do so I poured the whole thing down my throat at once, just to get it over with. And my follicles don't feel any healthier.

For a kilo of this junk I'd trade some bad Mennonite pornography, where everyone's crying and praying the whole time.

If my balls were red and chapped from overuse I might hold them over a mug of Good Hair-Look so that the steam could soothe them. But never would they submerge.

Scalded Balls: Aaaaaccccckkk it tastes like a cat slept in my mouth, you cat people know what I'm talking about, also a kind-of mildly dirty sock for the aftertaste. The mildly dirty sock that is produced by a slow day at work if you're the type of person who doesn't have very stinky feet.

For a Kilo of this steaming cup of Cat Slept mouth i would trade the script of a dialogue about thinking to go find a monkey to possibly kill and disembowel to trade for a better Tea.

The only way my balls are ever going to get near this Tea is if I am in a preticularly sadistic mood, even for me, and upon serving this cat slept rubbish to a friend or foe, it is spilled on my groin.

Vector: This is "shart." Its flavour is what I imagine cement powder and pubic hair would taste like if mixed together.

I would trade one dead and disemboweled rhesus monkey for a kilo of this tea.

I would only tea bag this tea bag if I was going to serve it to someone to whom I was distinctly unenamoured.