For no real reason, this review will be presented in haiku format.
vector:
Very refreshing
A light and flowery tea
No balls in my cup
Scalded Balls:
Simplistic Jasmine
One chess set for a kilo
Steamy mist for junk
The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer:
Lovely soothing blend
One month sans my left kidney
Balls? please count me in!
Magic Jane From Far Away:
Jasmine tea was Zen
It smelled like old peoples' car
But it tasted good
Dr Capitalism:
Cojonés swim in
A lovely basic jasmine
For a kilo, shrubs
Sylver:
Calming aroma
Well-bodied and simply smooth
I'll trade my last breath
Sunday, March 25
CJay Corp. Vanilla Chai
vector: Doesn't taste as good as it smells - the flavour is not complex, just Ceylon tea with vanilla and stuff.
For a kilo I'd trade three phrases containing the word 'shart'.
(Doctor's note: I was acting as a scribe for this entry and the previous one. Due to some heavy conversation I wasn't able to establish everyone's exact feelings re: their balls and this tea. Unless specifically stated by the parties involved, I'm just going to report whether they were a yes or a no.)
Balls in? No.
Scalded Balls: Mediocre.
For this, I would trade one kg of mediocre tea.
If I was having a mediocre day, there would be a mediocre chance of a mediocre dip.
The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: Doesn't taste like much. Maybe old tires. There is a premature evacuation of flavour.
I'd trade a bucket of smegma for this tea.
Balls might make this taste better.
Magic Jane From Far Away: Tastes like the sort of gum that loses its flavour in less than a minute and which you're then stuck with. Peaks too soon. Not smegmatic - lacks smegma.
*no trade recorded*
Balls? No.
Dr. Capitalism: I liked it. It smelled nice and had a sort of mild spice explosion with every sip. It was weak but pleasant.
For a kilo of this tea, I'd trade a tenth of the profits from my first erotic/horror/detective novel, Hellular Phone.
I'd maybe dip my balls in this tea before a date, to make them smell mildly exotic.
Sylver: Starts off well, at least. Would be good with honey.
For this I would trade a single scab.
Balls? *no real preference noted, but on balance I'd have to say 'no.'*
For a kilo I'd trade three phrases containing the word 'shart'.
(Doctor's note: I was acting as a scribe for this entry and the previous one. Due to some heavy conversation I wasn't able to establish everyone's exact feelings re: their balls and this tea. Unless specifically stated by the parties involved, I'm just going to report whether they were a yes or a no.)
Balls in? No.
Scalded Balls: Mediocre.
For this, I would trade one kg of mediocre tea.
If I was having a mediocre day, there would be a mediocre chance of a mediocre dip.
The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: Doesn't taste like much. Maybe old tires. There is a premature evacuation of flavour.
I'd trade a bucket of smegma for this tea.
Balls might make this taste better.
Magic Jane From Far Away: Tastes like the sort of gum that loses its flavour in less than a minute and which you're then stuck with. Peaks too soon. Not smegmatic - lacks smegma.
*no trade recorded*
Balls? No.
Dr. Capitalism: I liked it. It smelled nice and had a sort of mild spice explosion with every sip. It was weak but pleasant.
For a kilo of this tea, I'd trade a tenth of the profits from my first erotic/horror/detective novel, Hellular Phone.
I'd maybe dip my balls in this tea before a date, to make them smell mildly exotic.
Sylver: Starts off well, at least. Would be good with honey.
For this I would trade a single scab.
Balls? *no real preference noted, but on balance I'd have to say 'no.'*
Northern Lights Tea/Thé Aurores Boreales
vector: This tastes like our dishwater - like regular dishwater strained through a mass of tea leaves.
I would trade nothing for a kilo of this tea, and no balls will it receive.
Scalded Balls: If I didn't know better I would suspect that this tea was made by Lipton. It has a bad black tea aftertaste without any *taste* taste.
For a kilo of this tea I would trade a snarling hissing cat that did not belong to me.
Balls? No.
The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: This tea smells like an old Strawberry Shortcake doll with a soupçon of vanilla. It tastes like Saint John city water that has been used to rinse out a jam jar.
I would trade all of the baths that I had in Saint John in which I could not see my legs due to sketchy water for a kilo of this tea.
I would put my balls in this tea in hopes of removing all traces of Saint John water, as the tea would probably do a better job of cleaning.
Magic Jane From Far Away: Smells like 'Fresh Meadow'-style dryer sheets. Tastes like nothing, but not in an unpleasant way. Soothing.
I would trade three used dryer sheets for a kilo of this tea.
If you watched the Northern Lights while drinking this tea then you might just be inspired to dip your balls in it.
Dr. Capitalism: Pretty much tastes like water that someone has squeezed used teabags into. This tea might have met good tea at a casual-dress reception a few years back, but they didn't really have much to talk about and shared an awkward silence.
I'd trade a jar of beet water for a kilo of this crud.
I would not dip my balls in it (but for an interesting visual effect, try teabagging the beet juice. I think you'll be surprised!).
I would trade nothing for a kilo of this tea, and no balls will it receive.
Scalded Balls: If I didn't know better I would suspect that this tea was made by Lipton. It has a bad black tea aftertaste without any *taste* taste.
For a kilo of this tea I would trade a snarling hissing cat that did not belong to me.
Balls? No.
The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: This tea smells like an old Strawberry Shortcake doll with a soupçon of vanilla. It tastes like Saint John city water that has been used to rinse out a jam jar.
I would trade all of the baths that I had in Saint John in which I could not see my legs due to sketchy water for a kilo of this tea.
I would put my balls in this tea in hopes of removing all traces of Saint John water, as the tea would probably do a better job of cleaning.
Magic Jane From Far Away: Smells like 'Fresh Meadow'-style dryer sheets. Tastes like nothing, but not in an unpleasant way. Soothing.
I would trade three used dryer sheets for a kilo of this tea.
If you watched the Northern Lights while drinking this tea then you might just be inspired to dip your balls in it.
Dr. Capitalism: Pretty much tastes like water that someone has squeezed used teabags into. This tea might have met good tea at a casual-dress reception a few years back, but they didn't really have much to talk about and shared an awkward silence.
I'd trade a jar of beet water for a kilo of this crud.
I would not dip my balls in it (but for an interesting visual effect, try teabagging the beet juice. I think you'll be surprised!).
Friday, March 23
Counter-bloggers?
Some time ago, we came to learn that a ridiculous plea for attention combined with the desire to detract from our important work in this field resulted in the unimaginatively titled "But, Would You Dip Your Nips In It?" Rife with unfounded statements and lurid images, this blog disgusts us.
Among the fallacious claims made by these young ladies is that dipping ones balls in tea is not as enjoyable as dipping ones nipples in wine. Clearly, they do not "have the stones" to really find out if this is true or not. Which it is not. We have tried both, on many occasions. Nice, warm tea gently soothing one's balls obviously outshines tepid wine which is neither warm, nor cold, nor soothing to the less sensitive nips.
Additionally, they purport that the dipping of balls could cause sterility. There is not one shred of evidence to support this falsehood. A blatant scare tactic. In fact, tea has many proven health benefits. Just ask Tipsy Ta-Tas, who recently was teabagged in the eye to rid herself of infection.
This is our first and final rebuttal to the wanton foolishness of "But, Would You Dip Your Nips In It?" Please do not contact us for any further comment.
Among the fallacious claims made by these young ladies is that dipping ones balls in tea is not as enjoyable as dipping ones nipples in wine. Clearly, they do not "have the stones" to really find out if this is true or not. Which it is not. We have tried both, on many occasions. Nice, warm tea gently soothing one's balls obviously outshines tepid wine which is neither warm, nor cold, nor soothing to the less sensitive nips.
Additionally, they purport that the dipping of balls could cause sterility. There is not one shred of evidence to support this falsehood. A blatant scare tactic. In fact, tea has many proven health benefits. Just ask Tipsy Ta-Tas, who recently was teabagged in the eye to rid herself of infection.
This is our first and final rebuttal to the wanton foolishness of "But, Would You Dip Your Nips In It?" Please do not contact us for any further comment.
Sunday, March 11
President's Choice Memories of South Africa Rooibos Citrus Spice
Dr Capitalism: This is a pretty nice tea - it's flavourful without being obnoxious, sweet without being too sweet (or too sour) and it's full of flowers, so it's pretty. Plus it's just as good cold as warm, like any good herbal tea should be.
For a kilo of this tea, I would trade a drawing of a cat riding to battle on a giant mouse... for some reason.
Balls in, for sure.
vector: A brilliant and colourful tisane. It's enjoyable from the moment you open the tin all the way to the bitter end when you have to chew on some leaves.
I would trade some illicitly acquired diamonds for a kilo of this stuff.
Hands down, balls deep.
Scalded Balls: It tastes like South Africa looks... in the picture, that are sanitised for tourists. We're not talkin' about the slums of Johnnesburg, or the massacres of the Apartheid, or the particularly brutal murder of farmers in the Karoo basin; think pretty... like giraffes.
For this tesane I would trade ten more years of prison for Nelson Mandella, because ten more years of Apartheid is worth a kilo of this tesane.
I would gently sponge the tesane onto my balls.
For a kilo of this tea, I would trade a drawing of a cat riding to battle on a giant mouse... for some reason.
Balls in, for sure.
vector: A brilliant and colourful tisane. It's enjoyable from the moment you open the tin all the way to the bitter end when you have to chew on some leaves.
I would trade some illicitly acquired diamonds for a kilo of this stuff.
Hands down, balls deep.
Scalded Balls: It tastes like South Africa looks... in the picture, that are sanitised for tourists. We're not talkin' about the slums of Johnnesburg, or the massacres of the Apartheid, or the particularly brutal murder of farmers in the Karoo basin; think pretty... like giraffes.
For this tesane I would trade ten more years of prison for Nelson Mandella, because ten more years of Apartheid is worth a kilo of this tesane.
I would gently sponge the tesane onto my balls.
Revolution Tropical Green Tea
Dr Capitalism: Not a bad tea, I must say. A tasty green tea base with fruity overtones make for a good time in my particular mouth. I do however contest the claim that this tea is 'tropical.' Revolution Tea seems to be basing this claim of tropicality on the fact that the tea contains orange, lemon and pineapple flavours. In the case of the citrus fruits, I say that anything that can be grown in Florida isn't tropical. As for the pineapple flavour... well, it's listed under ingredients as 'pineapple flavor', so unless the factory that synthesized that particular chemical is located in Brazil, I call bull on that.
I'd trade twelve American expatriates for one kilo of this tea.
I'd dip my balls in this tea, then lie to them and tell them it was the South Pacific.
vector: The fruity flavours don't overpower this pleasant green tea. Clear, bright, yellow liquor and minimal aftertaste. Interestingly, it comes in some kind of space-aged silken bag. One of these bags is good for a whole pot!
I would trade one kilo of standard green tea and some pineapple flavour for a kilo of this.
I would dip my balls in this tea in the hopes that it would make my bag as silky smooth as it's own.
Scalded Balls: An exceptionally smooth mild green te which apparently has offended my counterparts, who don't seem to be able to just simply appreciate a fine simple te.
I would trade a fine set of china, 3 Nipponese tea pots, one rice terrace complete with water buffalo, and partridge nailed in an oak tree so the bastard won't fly away for a kilo of this te.
Balls in baby!
I'd trade twelve American expatriates for one kilo of this tea.
I'd dip my balls in this tea, then lie to them and tell them it was the South Pacific.
vector: The fruity flavours don't overpower this pleasant green tea. Clear, bright, yellow liquor and minimal aftertaste. Interestingly, it comes in some kind of space-aged silken bag. One of these bags is good for a whole pot!
I would trade one kilo of standard green tea and some pineapple flavour for a kilo of this.
I would dip my balls in this tea in the hopes that it would make my bag as silky smooth as it's own.
Scalded Balls: An exceptionally smooth mild green te which apparently has offended my counterparts, who don't seem to be able to just simply appreciate a fine simple te.
I would trade a fine set of china, 3 Nipponese tea pots, one rice terrace complete with water buffalo, and partridge nailed in an oak tree so the bastard won't fly away for a kilo of this te.
Balls in baby!
Stash Premium Chai White Tea
Scalded Balls: The aromas of the white chai entice you to bathe your lingua in the fine chai flavour, lightly cinnamonned and with a lingering fine smooth aftertaste.
I would trade 14 child labourers and 3 weeks of brick-breaking with an inadequate hammer fashioned from a old cart axle and some species of poisonous wood, so that Haliburton or some trans-national corporation could build over-priced roads payed for with IMF or World Bank loans which whatever third world country I am smashing brick in can't afford to pay so said trans-nationals can extract resources in some exceptionally toxic manor, shipping them with minimum processing to the rich countries where their wealthy Directors have great piles of currency heaped upon them for being so ingenious as to both extract resources and build infrastructure, which they pump to the media as being social responsible, for a cup of this Te.
Oh, to have this te lapping at my balls.
Dr Capitalism: This tea is quite lovely - it tastes like delicious. The smell, though, is what really sells me on it. Without tasting overpoweringly of cinnamon, it fills your nose with lovely tree-bark smells as you take a sip.
I'd trade an afternoon sorting hockey cards for a kilo of this tea.
If I ever needed to soothe a bad case of blue balls I'd cool a cup of this tea down and dip sac.
vector: Lightly flavoured as far as chai goes, which is good because it doesn't overpower the delicate white tea.
I would trade 4 weeks subsistence wages for a kilo of this tea.
Balls to the wall. Or balls to the cup. Whatever.
I would trade 14 child labourers and 3 weeks of brick-breaking with an inadequate hammer fashioned from a old cart axle and some species of poisonous wood, so that Haliburton or some trans-national corporation could build over-priced roads payed for with IMF or World Bank loans which whatever third world country I am smashing brick in can't afford to pay so said trans-nationals can extract resources in some exceptionally toxic manor, shipping them with minimum processing to the rich countries where their wealthy Directors have great piles of currency heaped upon them for being so ingenious as to both extract resources and build infrastructure, which they pump to the media as being social responsible, for a cup of this Te.
Oh, to have this te lapping at my balls.
Dr Capitalism: This tea is quite lovely - it tastes like delicious. The smell, though, is what really sells me on it. Without tasting overpoweringly of cinnamon, it fills your nose with lovely tree-bark smells as you take a sip.
I'd trade an afternoon sorting hockey cards for a kilo of this tea.
If I ever needed to soothe a bad case of blue balls I'd cool a cup of this tea down and dip sac.
vector: Lightly flavoured as far as chai goes, which is good because it doesn't overpower the delicate white tea.
I would trade 4 weeks subsistence wages for a kilo of this tea.
Balls to the wall. Or balls to the cup. Whatever.
Taylors of Harrogate Yorkshire Tea
Taylors of Harrogate Yorkshire Tea (blended in the Yorkshire Dales) claims to be the "Best Cup of Tea in England." A bold claim. Further, the box that this tea comes in claims that Harrogate is "the home of good tea," that "people all over the country [have] fell in love with Yorkshire Tea" and that their "tea tasters sample hundreds of teas each week, just to find the few good enough for Yorkshire Tea." Let's see if it lives up to the hype:
vector: If this is the best cup of tea in England as the package suggests, I don't think I'll go visiting there again any time soon.
I would trade the shitty hostel that I stayed at the last time I was in London for a kilo of this slop.
I would not foul my gonads with this sort of garbage.
Scalded Balls: Orange Pekoe. I say again Orange Pekoe. This said, for an Orange Pekoe it is quite acceptable... for an Orange Pekoe.
I would trade half a set of bad British teeth for a kilo of this te.
Balls are a negatory.
Dr Capitalism: This tea was, as SB inferred, just a plain ol' Orange Pekoe, the default tea of the Western World. Which is a shame, because Orange Pekoe is a terrible tea - it's got a toxic aftertaste and a tastebud-searing duringtaste. The box recommends drinking Taylos of Harrogate Yorkshire Tea with milk, so I did so with the latter half of my cup, producing a milder drink with an equally heinous aftertaste.
I would trade a superfluous monarchy for a kilo of this tea.
My balls are insulted that you would even ask the question.
vector: If this is the best cup of tea in England as the package suggests, I don't think I'll go visiting there again any time soon.
I would trade the shitty hostel that I stayed at the last time I was in London for a kilo of this slop.
I would not foul my gonads with this sort of garbage.
Scalded Balls: Orange Pekoe. I say again Orange Pekoe. This said, for an Orange Pekoe it is quite acceptable... for an Orange Pekoe.
I would trade half a set of bad British teeth for a kilo of this te.
Balls are a negatory.
Dr Capitalism: This tea was, as SB inferred, just a plain ol' Orange Pekoe, the default tea of the Western World. Which is a shame, because Orange Pekoe is a terrible tea - it's got a toxic aftertaste and a tastebud-searing duringtaste. The box recommends drinking Taylos of Harrogate Yorkshire Tea with milk, so I did so with the latter half of my cup, producing a milder drink with an equally heinous aftertaste.
I would trade a superfluous monarchy for a kilo of this tea.
My balls are insulted that you would even ask the question.
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