The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: This tea smelled like kitten breath with a soupcon of vanilla.
For this I'd trade a box of antihistamines that are past their expiry date.
Invigorating, despite the false advertising. It would be soothing to dip my balls in this tea were I in need of comfort.
Dr. Capitalism: Smells exactly like it sounds while it's *dry*. Smells sweet and vanilla-esque while wet... not bad.
I'd trade a disorganized filing cabinet detailing the vices of Canadian Members of Parliament for a kilo of this here tea.
Further, I'd dip my balls in it. Not once, not twice, but thrice.
Sylver: I'd trade vector's beard for a kilo of this stuff.
Balls in, even though it has the wrong name.
Cronkwrong: Rhubarb is good, very good. I'd trade my common-law wife for it.
Sunday, April 29
Monday, April 23
West Lake Stop Smoking Tea
Good evening folks,
I missed the last Sunday tea review, because I was away on business in France. So, for this mid-week review, I've selected West Lake Stop Smoking Tea. This is because I was subjected to so much second hand smoke in the land of cheese that I'm now having fits from nicotine withdrawal. I hope this helps. If not, I'll just have to surrender and get out my beret and a bottle of wine.
vector: Much like Lipton's Caramel crap, this smells like a buttered ashtray, only not as buttery. Already, I can tell this is going to help me kick my second hand smoking habit. The liquor is a dark amber colour. I just tasted it, and it made me want to wretch. Just like some of the local establishments I visited in France, except without the side order of lung cancer. It also tastes like an ashtray, with a weird lasting sweet aftertaste.
I would trade a 551,695 square kilometre republic for a kilo of this tea.
My balls would have to be having an awfully rough time quitting smoking before they'd ever take a dip in this garbage.
Scalded Balls: I wish I had a picture of my face to post because a picture is worth a thousand words, I guess the best explanation I can give is when I first sampled this vomitous syrupy blend of so called "refreshing beverage" (sic) I was talking to my parents on the telephone, this did not stop me from exclaiming "fuck, this is awful". In review it smells like bad licorice, tastes like bad caramel, looks like dirty toilet water, and sounds like "fuck, this tastes awful".
For a kilo of this tea I will capture for you a 551,695 square kilometre republic in the opening weeks of world war III.
I would sooner have my balls crushed like a Vishy republic under the foot of an insane German than have this te touch my teeth again let alone put my balls in it.
I missed the last Sunday tea review, because I was away on business in France. So, for this mid-week review, I've selected West Lake Stop Smoking Tea. This is because I was subjected to so much second hand smoke in the land of cheese that I'm now having fits from nicotine withdrawal. I hope this helps. If not, I'll just have to surrender and get out my beret and a bottle of wine.
vector: Much like Lipton's Caramel crap, this smells like a buttered ashtray, only not as buttery. Already, I can tell this is going to help me kick my second hand smoking habit. The liquor is a dark amber colour. I just tasted it, and it made me want to wretch. Just like some of the local establishments I visited in France, except without the side order of lung cancer. It also tastes like an ashtray, with a weird lasting sweet aftertaste.
I would trade a 551,695 square kilometre republic for a kilo of this tea.
My balls would have to be having an awfully rough time quitting smoking before they'd ever take a dip in this garbage.
Scalded Balls: I wish I had a picture of my face to post because a picture is worth a thousand words, I guess the best explanation I can give is when I first sampled this vomitous syrupy blend of so called "refreshing beverage" (sic) I was talking to my parents on the telephone, this did not stop me from exclaiming "fuck, this is awful". In review it smells like bad licorice, tastes like bad caramel, looks like dirty toilet water, and sounds like "fuck, this tastes awful".
For a kilo of this tea I will capture for you a 551,695 square kilometre republic in the opening weeks of world war III.
I would sooner have my balls crushed like a Vishy republic under the foot of an insane German than have this te touch my teeth again let alone put my balls in it.
Sunday, April 15
Choice Organic Teas - Russian Caravan Pine-Smoked Black Tea
Dr. Capitalism: All here agree - this tea smells like smoked meat, which is unusual. Happily, it doesn't taste like smoked meat. In fact, it's pretty durned good. You can taste the oxidized wood particles. And that's what I look for in a drink, really.
I'd trade three bags of charcoal briquettes for a kilo of this tea.
Balls in, fer sure... uh... maybe not, with the whole 'smoked meat smell' thing. Might be weird.
Scalded Balls: Dr.Capitalism has stated it concisely, yummy lightly smoked goodness.
I would trade one authentic mummery paper mache cow head gear for .75 kilos of this Te (the value of authentic mummery paper mache cow head gear greatly diminishes if it is sub-divided hence the partial kilo of Te.
A very fine te which i may rest near my boys so that the vapors may co-mingle with them but not dippage in its own right.
I'd trade three bags of charcoal briquettes for a kilo of this tea.
Balls in, fer sure... uh... maybe not, with the whole 'smoked meat smell' thing. Might be weird.
Scalded Balls: Dr.Capitalism has stated it concisely, yummy lightly smoked goodness.
I would trade one authentic mummery paper mache cow head gear for .75 kilos of this Te (the value of authentic mummery paper mache cow head gear greatly diminishes if it is sub-divided hence the partial kilo of Te.
A very fine te which i may rest near my boys so that the vapors may co-mingle with them but not dippage in its own right.
Four O'Clock Organic Fair Trade Earl Grey
Rejoice, oh sweet little harlots for we have returned from our journeys to the niether regions of the world, and are here to bless you in many ways. The Te list is updated there is a new and interesting section of useless Te satistics for the Symonds St. Te house.
But first: a review!
The Box says "Our Earl Grey tea is made from carefully selected black tea leaves from a small estate in blah blah blah...BOOORRINNNG
Scalded Balls: Verbose, though I am not. Exceptionally smooth and delicate when served in a .5L ampule once designated for olives (properly cleansed of course) superfluous to say the least.
I would trade one bound deaf mute for a kilo of this Te.
My balls would bask gently in the smooth aroma a fine liquids of this amber potion dream.
Dr. Capitalism: I quite liked this tea, which was a relief. I've had some bad luck with Earl grey in the past, due to the fact that it becomes absolutely disgusting if it gets too strong. This cup (honey jar, actually) was nice and black and delicious.
I would trade the journal of an avenging crusader for the liberation of deaf-mutes for a kilo of this tea.
If my balls ever need to be caffinated, this is where they'll turn.
But first: a review!
The Box says "Our Earl Grey tea is made from carefully selected black tea leaves from a small estate in blah blah blah...BOOORRINNNG
Scalded Balls: Verbose, though I am not. Exceptionally smooth and delicate when served in a .5L ampule once designated for olives (properly cleansed of course) superfluous to say the least.
I would trade one bound deaf mute for a kilo of this Te.
My balls would bask gently in the smooth aroma a fine liquids of this amber potion dream.
Dr. Capitalism: I quite liked this tea, which was a relief. I've had some bad luck with Earl grey in the past, due to the fact that it becomes absolutely disgusting if it gets too strong. This cup (honey jar, actually) was nice and black and delicious.
I would trade the journal of an avenging crusader for the liberation of deaf-mutes for a kilo of this tea.
If my balls ever need to be caffinated, this is where they'll turn.
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