Sold

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's sad, but true. The Te House has been sold. It was a great time, if not a long time. Thanks to all who participated! We'll still makes some posts about tea when we get the chance. Hopefully the lack of a group atmosphere won't spoil the fun.

Cheers, and keep on teabaggin'!

Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer Herb Tea

Scalded Balls:
1: Times it has been requested that we review Tension Tamer.
2:
3: Number of attempts it took us to review the te.
4:
5:
6: The number of times Captain DoYouKnowY? (Editor's note: I don't know either.)
7:
8: Avocados I would trade for this tea.
9: The number of times my balls bob in each and every cup of Tension Tamer I prepare.

Captain DoYouKnowY?: Although its zesty lemony aroma and cloudy yellow appearance bring to mind Mr. Clean and Neo-Citron upon first impression (some may thus conclude a likeness to well-trodden floors and poor health...) these assumptions are both fictitious and blatantly erroneous. This tea, upon closer examination, is a fine blend of drowsy earthiness and freshly squeezed citrus, green gumdrops and wild honeysuckle.

I would trade Scalded Balls (twice) for a kilo of this tea.

I would gladly dip my balls in this flavourful nightcap any time it is politefully offered.

vector: Light fruit and mint flavours and delicate aroma do indeed make this a soothing brew.

I would trade the nap that I am about to take for a kilo of this tea.

It could be possible that dippage would aid in certain situations. Will report back on the next incidence of blue balls.

Dr. Capitalism: This tea actually isn't that bad, despite its tasting like the Aspartame Fairy had an affair with the Gnome of Mintiness and abandoned the resultant child down by Old Man Licorice's Happy Time Antiquery. The slightly odd aftertaste only lasts for a few seconds, so that's okay.

I'd trade the rest of today's allotment of consciousness for a kilo of this tea.

I would put my balls in there - it's a flavour party!

Tea Wine

One of our other projects besides the tea collection, is home wine and beer making. Since we found a recipe for making wine with tea, how could we not? It'll be a few months before it can be tasted, but we'll let you know as soon as we can!

Sunflower Jasmine Tea

Given what was paid for this small yellow tin at the little store around the corner from us, we didn't have the highest of hopes for this tea. However, it amazed. Also, please welcome our newest reviewer: Captain DoYouKnowY? On a side note, it should be mentioned that with the weather warming our interests are waxing away from tea toward other somewhat more intoxicating beverages. Te reviewing will not stop but may slow some. = )

vector: This is normally one of my most favourite teas. I can't think of why it has taken us so long to do this review. Scalded Balls totally shanked this pot, though. For this he shall be sentenced to perform demeaning acts of public self-flagellation. When made properly, this tea has a nice delicate jasmine flavour that doesn't over-power the tea, and is amazingly refreshing.

I would trade nuclear arms for this stuff.

I would certainly sink my sack in this tea.

Captain DoYouKnowY?: Although subtle hints of jasmine remained in this fine cup of tea, it was overpowered by the not so subtle hint of over-steeped leaves..... given that I'm told this can be a nice tea, I would be willing to try it again if the preparation was left in more adept?....or perhaps capable? or maybe less pre-occupied? hands. = )

Tonight I would trade the left mate of my least favorite pair of socks. On a better night, I might be willing to trade both.

And as a result, based on tonight's taste, I would not dip my balls in it. Ask me again when I MAKE IT.

Scalded Balls: Normally this is one of my favorite tes however this evening it has been shanked superbly by myself. In spite of this it is still a great Te. It flows around the mouth with a smooth suppleness of a fine breast; though it is much too strong this evening it lacks the sharp bitterness of many black tes.

I would trade a TONNE of the smart-ass comments I hear from the likes of vector and Captain DoYouKnowY?, along with the associated riff-raff that they cavort with on a semi-daily basis for a kilo of this Te.

I would gladly bathe my balls in an unshanked cup of this tea and likely in the cup brewed today, if I hadn't drank it already.

Distinctly Tea Rooibos Maritime Cranberry

Rejoice!
For the Inspiration and Education Coordinator of our Te house his here to review with me today!
X-bein is our second international guest, traveling all the way from Germany to grace us with her exceptional Te senses, stupendous levels of Te knowledge, and inspire us with her witty banter!

Now on with the Te!
(see lots of exclamation marks, I am phenomenally inspired!)

X-Bein with her commanding grasp of all things Te was quick to point out that the box says "In Asia, Rooibos is known as 'long life tea'." and we pondered what the hell do we care about what Asians think about South African Te, that would be like reading some ridiculous tea blog to on the internets. (side note: some Asians do think this according to the all-knowing internets, but this be an elaborate marketing ploy perpetrated by Distinctly Tea.)

Right the Tea!

X-Bein: It is a nice fruit tea. The bouquet is juicy, spicy in aroma. Balanced Melange, shouldn't really be a rooibos, reminds me of a children tea. Decent sweetness.

I would trade a stolen Red (sic) for a kilo of this tea.

A gentle dipping with the balls.

Scalded Balls: Fine aromas, cranberry and something I can't quite put my nose on - vanilla maybe. The taste is quite fruity and excessively sweet, not really my cup of Te.

I would trade 2 untanned cat pelts for a kilo of this Te, as I am on the outs with them today.

No balls in. However, I would perfume them in the fine aromas

Lipton South African Red

From the same line of pyramid-bag teas as Lipton's Sri Lankan Gold

Everyone was a bit tired at this point.

The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: This tea is indifferent on the way down and has an aftertaste like cough medicine, so I'd trade a bottle of expired cough syrup for a kilo.

vector: Tastes like hot water... smells flowery.

If you boiled popcorn it would smell like this and so I would trade a kilo of boiled popcorn for such.

Cronkwrong: Tastes worse than that time I sucked on Jules' toes. Like french-kissing a mule.

Sylver: This minty thingy whatever... sucks.

I'd trade all of an uncooperative Francophone coworker for a kilo.

Scalded Balls: Bitter. Reference my earlier Tetley article.

I'd trade 1/2 a kilo of bark mulch for a kilo of this.

Absolutely no balls

Tetly Orange Pekoe

Certain persons at the tea-tasting insisted that since certain other persons spent so much time railing against Orange Pekoe tea but not actually drinking it they should stop being such princesses and actually review some. A pot of Tetley's was duly produced.

Cronkwrong: Mmm-mm-mmm good.

Scalded Balls: Aargh! (thud)

Sylver: Nothing special with a bitter aftertaste. I'd trade some toenail clippings for a kilo.

Dr. Capitalism: The main experience when drinking this tea is an intense acrid sensation at the back of the throat. Not Pleasant, in other words.

I'd trade a bucket of chum and an open stretch of the Caribbean for a kilo of this muck.

If I was shot by a ray that made me the polar opposite of what I am now, and I for example ate kittens and drove an SUV and also hated my testicles (opposite, remember) I would definitely immerse my balls in this tea.

The Tea Brewery Tranquility Bay Licorice/Peppermint Tea

vector: I'd sooner drink my own urine while dying in the desert than this.

I'd trade a plastic corkscrew for a kilo of Tranquility Bay.

Balls: no.

Scalded Balls: Minty, with a sweet aftertaste and a hint of stickiness (sticky like twigs).

For a kilo of this I'd trade a large bag of peppermints.

No balls.

Sylver: Makes my nose and mouth dance together in happiness - its minty-fresh goodness will provide safe haven for my balls.

For a kilo I'd trade Windos ME.

Dr. Capitalism: This tea tastes like minty aspertame. I hate it.

I'd trade a big pile of breast implants for a kilo, as they're just as artificial as it tastes.

I fear sterility merely from drinking this tea. My balls shall never dare its toxic depths.

(Dr Capitalism's review based upon one sip of said tea)

Cronkwrong: I wouldn't serve this to Alex.

Tea Brewery Rhubarb Cream

The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: This tea smelled like kitten breath with a soupcon of vanilla.

For this I'd trade a box of antihistamines that are past their expiry date.

Invigorating, despite the false advertising. It would be soothing to dip my balls in this tea were I in need of comfort.

Dr. Capitalism: Smells exactly like it sounds while it's *dry*. Smells sweet and vanilla-esque while wet... not bad.

I'd trade a disorganized filing cabinet detailing the vices of Canadian Members of Parliament for a kilo of this here tea.

Further, I'd dip my balls in it. Not once, not twice, but thrice.

Sylver: I'd trade vector's beard for a kilo of this stuff.

Balls in, even though it has the wrong name.

Cronkwrong: Rhubarb is good, very good. I'd trade my common-law wife for it.

West Lake Stop Smoking Tea

Good evening folks,

I missed the last Sunday tea review, because I was away on business in France. So, for this mid-week review, I've selected West Lake Stop Smoking Tea. This is because I was subjected to so much second hand smoke in the land of cheese that I'm now having fits from nicotine withdrawal. I hope this helps. If not, I'll just have to surrender and get out my beret and a bottle of wine.

vector: Much like Lipton's Caramel crap, this smells like a buttered ashtray, only not as buttery. Already, I can tell this is going to help me kick my second hand smoking habit. The liquor is a dark amber colour. I just tasted it, and it made me want to wretch. Just like some of the local establishments I visited in France, except without the side order of lung cancer. It also tastes like an ashtray, with a weird lasting sweet aftertaste.

I would trade a 551,695 square kilometre republic for a kilo of this tea.

My balls would have to be having an awfully rough time quitting smoking before they'd ever take a dip in this garbage.


Scalded Balls: I wish I had a picture of my face to post because a picture is worth a thousand words, I guess the best explanation I can give is when I first sampled this vomitous syrupy blend of so called "refreshing beverage" (sic) I was talking to my parents on the telephone, this did not stop me from exclaiming "fuck, this is awful". In review it smells like bad licorice, tastes like bad caramel, looks like dirty toilet water, and sounds like "fuck, this tastes awful".

For a kilo of this tea I will capture for you a 551,695 square kilometre republic in the opening weeks of world war III.

I would sooner have my balls crushed like a Vishy republic under the foot of an insane German than have this te touch my teeth again let alone put my balls in it.

Choice Organic Teas - Russian Caravan Pine-Smoked Black Tea

Dr. Capitalism: All here agree - this tea smells like smoked meat, which is unusual. Happily, it doesn't taste like smoked meat. In fact, it's pretty durned good. You can taste the oxidized wood particles. And that's what I look for in a drink, really.

I'd trade three bags of charcoal briquettes for a kilo of this tea.

Balls in, fer sure... uh... maybe not, with the whole 'smoked meat smell' thing. Might be weird.

Scalded Balls: Dr.Capitalism has stated it concisely, yummy lightly smoked goodness.

I would trade one authentic mummery paper mache cow head gear for .75 kilos of this Te (the value of authentic mummery paper mache cow head gear greatly diminishes if it is sub-divided hence the partial kilo of Te.

A very fine te which i may rest near my boys so that the vapors may co-mingle with them but not dippage in its own right.

Four O'Clock Organic Fair Trade Earl Grey

Rejoice, oh sweet little harlots for we have returned from our journeys to the niether regions of the world, and are here to bless you in many ways. The Te list is updated there is a new and interesting section of useless Te satistics for the Symonds St. Te house.

But first: a review!

The Box says "Our Earl Grey tea is made from carefully selected black tea leaves from a small estate in blah blah blah...BOOORRINNNG

Scalded Balls: Verbose, though I am not. Exceptionally smooth and delicate when served in a .5L ampule once designated for olives (properly cleansed of course) superfluous to say the least.

I would trade one bound deaf mute for a kilo of this Te.

My balls would bask gently in the smooth aroma a fine liquids of this amber potion dream.

Dr. Capitalism: I quite liked this tea, which was a relief. I've had some bad luck with Earl grey in the past, due to the fact that it becomes absolutely disgusting if it gets too strong. This cup (honey jar, actually) was nice and black and delicious.

I would trade the journal of an avenging crusader for the liberation of deaf-mutes for a kilo of this tea.

If my balls ever need to be caffinated, this is where they'll turn.

Twinings of London Jasmine Tea

For no real reason, this review will be presented in haiku format.

vector:

Very refreshing
A light and flowery tea
No balls in my cup

Scalded Balls:

Simplistic Jasmine
One chess set for a kilo
Steamy mist for junk

The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer:

Lovely soothing blend
One month sans my left kidney
Balls? please count me in!

Magic Jane From Far Away:

Jasmine tea was Zen
It smelled like old peoples' car
But it tasted good

Dr Capitalism:

Cojonés swim in
A lovely basic jasmine
For a kilo, shrubs

Sylver:

Calming aroma
Well-bodied and simply smooth
I'll trade my last breath

CJay Corp. Vanilla Chai

vector: Doesn't taste as good as it smells - the flavour is not complex, just Ceylon tea with vanilla and stuff.

For a kilo I'd trade three phrases containing the word 'shart'.

(Doctor's note: I was acting as a scribe for this entry and the previous one. Due to some heavy conversation I wasn't able to establish everyone's exact feelings re: their balls and this tea. Unless specifically stated by the parties involved, I'm just going to report whether they were a yes or a no.)

Balls in? No.

Scalded Balls: Mediocre.

For this, I would trade one kg of mediocre tea.

If I was having a mediocre day, there would be a mediocre chance of a mediocre dip.

The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: Doesn't taste like much. Maybe old tires. There is a premature evacuation of flavour.

I'd trade a bucket of smegma for this tea.

Balls might make this taste better.

Magic Jane From Far Away: Tastes like the sort of gum that loses its flavour in less than a minute and which you're then stuck with. Peaks too soon. Not smegmatic - lacks smegma.

*no trade recorded*

Balls? No.

Dr. Capitalism: I liked it. It smelled nice and had a sort of mild spice explosion with every sip. It was weak but pleasant.

For a kilo of this tea, I'd trade a tenth of the profits from my first erotic/horror/detective novel, Hellular Phone.

I'd maybe dip my balls in this tea before a date, to make them smell mildly exotic.

Sylver: Starts off well, at least. Would be good with honey.

For this I would trade a single scab.

Balls? *no real preference noted, but on balance I'd have to say 'no.'*

Northern Lights Tea/Thé Aurores Boreales

vector: This tastes like our dishwater - like regular dishwater strained through a mass of tea leaves.

I would trade nothing for a kilo of this tea, and no balls will it receive.

Scalded Balls: If I didn't know better I would suspect that this tea was made by Lipton. It has a bad black tea aftertaste without any *taste* taste.

For a kilo of this tea I would trade a snarling hissing cat that did not belong to me.

Balls? No.

The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: This tea smells like an old Strawberry Shortcake doll with a soupçon of vanilla. It tastes like Saint John city water that has been used to rinse out a jam jar.

I would trade all of the baths that I had in Saint John in which I could not see my legs due to sketchy water for a kilo of this tea.

I would put my balls in this tea in hopes of removing all traces of Saint John water, as the tea would probably do a better job of cleaning.

Magic Jane From Far Away: Smells like 'Fresh Meadow'-style dryer sheets. Tastes like nothing, but not in an unpleasant way. Soothing.

I would trade three used dryer sheets for a kilo of this tea.

If you watched the Northern Lights while drinking this tea then you might just be inspired to dip your balls in it.

Dr. Capitalism: Pretty much tastes like water that someone has squeezed used teabags into. This tea might have met good tea at a casual-dress reception a few years back, but they didn't really have much to talk about and shared an awkward silence.

I'd trade a jar of beet water for a kilo of this crud.

I would not dip my balls in it (but for an interesting visual effect, try teabagging the beet juice. I think you'll be surprised!).

Counter-bloggers?

Some time ago, we came to learn that a ridiculous plea for attention combined with the desire to detract from our important work in this field resulted in the unimaginatively titled "But, Would You Dip Your Nips In It?" Rife with unfounded statements and lurid images, this blog disgusts us.

Among the fallacious claims made by these young ladies is that dipping ones balls in tea is not as enjoyable as dipping ones nipples in wine. Clearly, they do not "have the stones" to really find out if this is true or not. Which it is not. We have tried both, on many occasions. Nice, warm tea gently soothing one's balls obviously outshines tepid wine which is neither warm, nor cold, nor soothing to the less sensitive nips.

Additionally, they purport that the dipping of balls could cause sterility. There is not one shred of evidence to support this falsehood. A blatant scare tactic. In fact, tea has many proven health benefits. Just ask Tipsy Ta-Tas, who recently was teabagged in the eye to rid herself of infection.

This is our first and final rebuttal to the wanton foolishness of "But, Would You Dip Your Nips In It?" Please do not contact us for any further comment.

President's Choice Memories of South Africa Rooibos Citrus Spice

Dr Capitalism: This is a pretty nice tea - it's flavourful without being obnoxious, sweet without being too sweet (or too sour) and it's full of flowers, so it's pretty. Plus it's just as good cold as warm, like any good herbal tea should be.

For a kilo of this tea, I would trade a drawing of a cat riding to battle on a giant mouse... for some reason.

Balls in, for sure.

vector: A brilliant and colourful tisane. It's enjoyable from the moment you open the tin all the way to the bitter end when you have to chew on some leaves.

I would trade some illicitly acquired diamonds for a kilo of this stuff.

Hands down, balls deep.

Scalded Balls: It tastes like South Africa looks... in the picture, that are sanitised for tourists. We're not talkin' about the slums of Johnnesburg, or the massacres of the Apartheid, or the particularly brutal murder of farmers in the Karoo basin; think pretty... like giraffes.

For this tesane I would trade ten more years of prison for Nelson Mandella, because ten more years of Apartheid is worth a kilo of this tesane.

I would gently sponge the tesane onto my balls.

Revolution Tropical Green Tea

Dr Capitalism: Not a bad tea, I must say. A tasty green tea base with fruity overtones make for a good time in my particular mouth. I do however contest the claim that this tea is 'tropical.' Revolution Tea seems to be basing this claim of tropicality on the fact that the tea contains orange, lemon and pineapple flavours. In the case of the citrus fruits, I say that anything that can be grown in Florida isn't tropical. As for the pineapple flavour... well, it's listed under ingredients as 'pineapple flavor', so unless the factory that synthesized that particular chemical is located in Brazil, I call bull on that.

I'd trade twelve American expatriates for one kilo of this tea.

I'd dip my balls in this tea, then lie to them and tell them it was the South Pacific.

vector: The fruity flavours don't overpower this pleasant green tea. Clear, bright, yellow liquor and minimal aftertaste. Interestingly, it comes in some kind of space-aged silken bag. One of these bags is good for a whole pot!

I would trade one kilo of standard green tea and some pineapple flavour for a kilo of this.

I would dip my balls in this tea in the hopes that it would make my bag as silky smooth as it's own.

Scalded Balls: An exceptionally smooth mild green te which apparently has offended my counterparts, who don't seem to be able to just simply appreciate a fine simple te.

I would trade a fine set of china, 3 Nipponese tea pots, one rice terrace complete with water buffalo, and partridge nailed in an oak tree so the bastard won't fly away for a kilo of this te.

Balls in baby!

Stash Premium Chai White Tea

Scalded Balls: The aromas of the white chai entice you to bathe your lingua in the fine chai flavour, lightly cinnamonned and with a lingering fine smooth aftertaste.

I would trade 14 child labourers and 3 weeks of brick-breaking with an inadequate hammer fashioned from a old cart axle and some species of poisonous wood, so that Haliburton or some trans-national corporation could build over-priced roads payed for with IMF or World Bank loans which whatever third world country I am smashing brick in can't afford to pay so said trans-nationals can extract resources in some exceptionally toxic manor, shipping them with minimum processing to the rich countries where their wealthy Directors have great piles of currency heaped upon them for being so ingenious as to both extract resources and build infrastructure, which they pump to the media as being social responsible, for a cup of this Te.

Oh, to have this te lapping at my balls.

Dr Capitalism: This tea is quite lovely - it tastes like delicious. The smell, though, is what really sells me on it. Without tasting overpoweringly of cinnamon, it fills your nose with lovely tree-bark smells as you take a sip.

I'd trade an afternoon sorting hockey cards for a kilo of this tea.

If I ever needed to soothe a bad case of blue balls I'd cool a cup of this tea down and dip sac.

vector: Lightly flavoured as far as chai goes, which is good because it doesn't overpower the delicate white tea.

I would trade 4 weeks subsistence wages for a kilo of this tea.

Balls to the wall. Or balls to the cup. Whatever.

Taylors of Harrogate Yorkshire Tea

Taylors of Harrogate Yorkshire Tea (blended in the Yorkshire Dales) claims to be the "Best Cup of Tea in England." A bold claim. Further, the box that this tea comes in claims that Harrogate is "the home of good tea," that "people all over the country [have] fell in love with Yorkshire Tea" and that their "tea tasters sample hundreds of teas each week, just to find the few good enough for Yorkshire Tea." Let's see if it lives up to the hype:

vector: If this is the best cup of tea in England as the package suggests, I don't think I'll go visiting there again any time soon.

I would trade the shitty hostel that I stayed at the last time I was in London for a kilo of this slop.

I would not foul my gonads with this sort of garbage.

Scalded Balls: Orange Pekoe. I say again Orange Pekoe. This said, for an Orange Pekoe it is quite acceptable... for an Orange Pekoe.

I would trade half a set of bad British teeth for a kilo of this te.

Balls are a negatory.

Dr Capitalism: This tea was, as SB inferred, just a plain ol' Orange Pekoe, the default tea of the Western World. Which is a shame, because Orange Pekoe is a terrible tea - it's got a toxic aftertaste and a tastebud-searing duringtaste. The box recommends drinking Taylos of Harrogate Yorkshire Tea with milk, so I did so with the latter half of my cup, producing a milder drink with an equally heinous aftertaste.

I would trade a superfluous monarchy for a kilo of this tea.

My balls are insulted that you would even ask the question.

Tazo Wild Sweet Orange Herbal Infusion

Scalded Balls: This tea smells like the air would if someone had shot a camel in an 8th Century spice caravan with a small artillary piece. It starts as a nice citrusy-type te and quickly becomes something like sucking on a lemon.

For a kilo of this tea I would trade one camel hoof remnant. Strictly no dippage du sac.

Vector: So explosives, dead camel, panicking spice traders and spices? Not quite that dramatic. Sweet orange/tangerine flavour with lasting sweet aftertaste.

I would trade all of the Lipton Caramel Shart in the world for a kilo of Tazo Wild Sweet Orange.

I would not put my balls in it, unless the the sweet orange taste was to be licked off by a harem of sultry young women.

Lindsey X: Imagine a garden where orange peels grow. Rows and rows of orange peels. Come harvest time, you run around barefoot - shrieking - and stamping the zesty peels into a fine mush. When you're finally exhausted from stamping, you lick your feet.

It tastes okay.

I would trade a cowboy hat full of my own urine for a kilo of wild sweet orange tea, and that's saying something, because that's enough to make a clone (wearing a cowboy hat).

I would not dip my balls in. Mind you, I did profess that I would lick my feet.

Dr. Capitalism: This tea is tasty, but crazy concentrated - my 500 ml of water was almost too flavoured. I figure that if I'd put my tea bag in a regularly-sized tea cup then I'd've ended up with some sort of orangey syrup. I would drink this tea again, but carefully.

I'd trade a carton of non-alcoholic cough syrup for a kilo of this tea.

My balls will stay out of this tea, for fear of their acquiring a shellac-like layer of citrus flavourings.

A fragment of review ascribed to The Mysterious Hipas: I don't know where Marrakesh is and I don't know where they got all of their orange. "Herbal Infusion." I'm as content driven as everyone else but this phrase was born in some sort of marketing department in some office tower... somewhere. Probably Marrakesh. The person who created this phrase was not the same person who picked the tea.
"The reincarnation of tea" who... {fragment ends]

Harris Lemongrass Tea

Dr. Capitalism: This is a great tea - it's a very nice subtle mix of lemon and black tea flavours - but the best thing about it is the smell. There's a delicate quality to it that is very at odds with the usual 'lemon' scent of teas. I was going to say that it was very legitimate-smelling, but a quick glance at the ingredients revealed 'artificial lemon grass flavour', so... good job, chemists!

I would trade one horribly deformed reanimated human hand for a kilo of this tea.

My balls would love this tea - they'd take sandwiches, make a day of it.

vector: This is some good shart. It smells kind of funny in the can, but it's nice and light and pleasant while steeping. Doesn't end up too lemony. Should have used this in the middle of the review, as it cleanses the palette nicely.

I would trade some fabric softener sheets and empty TP rolls for a kilo of this tea.

The artificial flavour contraindicates the dipping of my balls.

Scalded Balls: My review has been tainted by an ongoing discussion of the use of artificial flavours within the te. Previous to the artificial flavour discussion I would have characterized this as a light black te which is full of lemon-grass delight.

I would trade Mike Harris for a kilo of this te.

I am reserving my balls for a te of higher purity and a lower Mike Harris connectivity.

President's Choice Moroccan-Style Mint Green Tea

Dr. Capitalism: This one's a green tea with spearmint and peppermint - it's quite nice. I'm not sure why it's 'Moroccan-style', but I like it. A simple tea with a hint of complexity in the aftertaste - possibly the spear- and pepper-mints vying for my attention.

I would trade a Spock collector's plate from the Franklin Mint for a kilo of this tea.

My balls would have quite a relaxing dip in this tea. they would emerge relaxed and smooth as eggs, I'm sure.

Scalded Balls: A very fine mix of excellent Mint and Green Te. Oh, President's Choice tea Guy you have done it again.

I would trade six large boxes of superior quality mulched Scottish Clansmen for a kilo of this tea, which i regularly use for bathing my balls.

vector: The smell of this tea is most refreshing. Especially after what I just did in the bathroom. It's minty, but not too minty. There's a recipe in the box for a chilled version. I think that it will mix nicely with vodka, but that would be a story for a different blog.

A kilo of this tea is probably worth one leather bound menu that was not illicitly acquired from a local restaurant.

The mint, the warmth, the possibilities. It'd be hard for any man to keep his nuts out of this.

The Tea Brewery Red Hatter's Blend

Brought to you by Dr. Capitalism. He found this gem at the market in Halifax.



vector: One is titillated by the flowery aromas that emanate from the pack as soon as it's opened. The leaves are rolled and of various sizes. A bright and tasty amber liquor is produced.

I would trade my Toronto Maple Leafs hat for a kilo of this tea.

This is the sort of tea one drinks with one's grandmother, and not the sort to be used for therapeutic testicular use.

Dr Capitalism: I tend to prefer green to black teas, so this was a very pleasant surprise - I could taste the characteristic black-tea-flavour, but without the usual heinous aftertaste. The aftertaste was in fact both brief and pleasant. I was heartily chuffed.

I would trade a long evening of sunsets and jigsaw puzzles for a kilo of this tea.

I respect this tea far too much to teabag it.

Scalded Balls: With a very endearing amber colour complete with floating flowers, this te opens with a very nice visual. The smooth and suttlely flavor make for a very enjoyable te sampling experience.

I would trade 3 kilos of the as yet-uninvented Dartmouth Breakfast Tea for one Kilo of this fine blend

The great reverence that I am developing for this te dissuades any ball dippage

Lementing our Lack of Lovable Lindseys

This is our third week with no lindseys, this is a very regretable occurrence, for there is always a cup sitting dry waiting for the lindseys.

We are sad

Lipton Caramel Twist Flavoured Black Tea

Dr Capitalism: First let me say that this tea bag smelled like a shampoo that might be used by a 14 year old girl - and that that girl might have eventually gone bald. I don't know what Lipton put in this shart to achieve this effect, but it didn't taste too spectacular either. Basically, it tasted like really bad candy dissolved in water and then diluted to near-tastelessness. And the bad-shampoo aftertaste has lingered for about 20 minutes.

For a kilo of this tea I would trade a savage beating.

My balls weep at the thought of being submerged in this swill.

vector: This smells like an ashtray that hasn't been emptied in a week that has just been covered in a large quantity of butter. I'm very glad that this is over with.

I would trade one dyspeptic senior citizen for a kilo of this tea.

My balls would sooner see the Halifax harbour than take a dunk in this slop.

Scalded Balls: This is a vile concoction truly appropriate to my diminished view of the Lipton Corporation. It holds with my generally-held belief that all the greatest abortions of human culture are corporate abortions. The actual flavor is reminiscent of a sweaty armpit. The initial trauma of placing the liquid in your mouth is the worst part: your taste buds have a perverse AC hum after the initial shock which doesn't really let the flavor die away.

I would trade the large pail of condensed vomit that could be created by consuming a kilo of this corporate abortion tea for that same kilo.

If you can't figure out my position on ball dipping here then you should be reading this site more.

Picture Present

This was made for us by Shartacus. To see more of his work go to http://shartacus.blogspot.com.

Take it Heinz!

Your 57 varieties have been put to shame by our 69. After the arrival of our order from Stash, and a succesful shopping voyage today we managed to get the coveted 69 (kinds of tea that is). We also found a sweet tea pot at Stokes for 5 bucks. No complaints about that. Since we didn't really have appropriate space or protection for our teas, we built a shelf and hired some help:



See you tommorow!

Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime

Yawn! A soothing chamomile blend.

Dr. Capitalism: Sleepytime tea isn't bad, but it's not as pleasant-tasting as I'd like. It tastes kind of like I imagine that the 'Medicinal Herb' from a fantasy RPG would. My HP are on the rise!

I would trade one Vorpal Blade, +3 vs Ogre Mages for a kilo of this tea.

My balls would take a quick dip in this tea just before bedtime.

The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: I would craft some clever description of this brew, but I'm oh... so... sleepy ....

I would trade 1 night's worth of cuddle with the adorable nightcap-wearing bear on the front of this box for 1 kilo of guaranteed good sleep. I hear he's a good spooner.

Perhaps I would dip my would-be-balls in this tea, in hopes that they would retain sufficient heat to serve as a hot water bottle-like warming to further facilitate my exceptional sleep.

Scalded Balls: Very smooth with a hint of mint, truely delightful when you are winding down after a long night of te tasting.

I would trade 2 moderate quality roomies for one kilo of this te.

I would bask my balls in this te simply due to its great relaxing properties.

vector: Minty, fruity and naturally caffeine free.

I would trade 2 all-nighters for a kilo of this stuff.

I am afraid to dip my balls in it, as I believe there's a chance I would fall asleep in this position.

Just Us Earl Grey

Organic and Fair Trade Certified. A tea your conscience you can live with!

Dr. Capitalism: This was an undistinguished tea. It skulked in my mouth like a disgraced dog, tea-tail between its tea-legs. Blarg, I say. Blarg.

I would trade a sack of pre-owned nails for a kilo of this tea.

My balls remain dry.

vector: The Dr.'s comments should probably be disregarded. He used about a tablespoon of dry leaves in his cup. Douche salade. The leaves are small, flat and chopped. They produce a nice, light amber liquor. Tasty citrus isn't pwnt by too strong black tea.

I would trade 4 fully functional phaser rifles for a kilo of this tea.

Furthermore, I would dip my balls in this tea. Particularly if I was french, but spoke with a British accent.

The Anatomically Disadvantaged Reviewer: I took a serious amount of flak for having put milk in this particular cup of tea. I'm hurt. And I feel that any comments I were to make about its colour or aroma would therefore be disregarded. Consider this preemptive self-censorship.

I would trade a metric tonne of cold cups of Lady Grey tea for one kilo's worth of possibilities of warm Earl.

I would consider would-be-ball dippage, because my clever addition of milk would help to buffer the offensive oils that might be secreted from the aforementioned would-be-balls. Mwaha! So clever!

Scalded Balls: The creme de la creme of earl grey tea

I would trade a large piece of ecologite facies garnet peridotite with sigma fabrics for a kg of this te

I am afraid there is no ball dippage here either though i would allow the boys to bask in the warm vapors above the cup